Jul. 30th, 2005

theunseelie: (death goggles)
Daniel M'Mburugu

Daniel M'Mburugu is probably the hardest motherfucker to ever step foot in the rural farmlands of Kenya. On June 22nd, this 73 year-old grandfather was out in his farmland minding his own business when all of a sudden this gigantor leopard jumped out from some tall grass and mauled the fuck out of him. The beast let out an earth-shaking howl and pinned M'Mburugu to the ground, scratching the shit out of his chest with its back claws and trying to bite his face off with its gleaming fangs. M'Mburugu tried to free up his panga (Swahili for "big ass machete") so that he could take a good swipe at the creature that was slowly killing him, but then all of a sudden JESUS CHRIST sent a messenger pigeon down to him with a note that read:

Dear Daniel,

Fuck the machete. Just rip this motherfucker's tongue out.


So Daniel M'Mburugu dropped his machete and shoved his hand into the leopards mouth. The leopard chomped down on his hand, be he totally didn't even give a fuck. He just pulled the fucking leopard's tongue out of its head, causing it to die and get totally pwned by a 73 year-old dude. After he was done wrecking the leopard's shit, he told his neighbor to go get him some salt just so that he could rub it into his wounds, pound his chest like Tarzan and prove to everyone that he was the baddest motherfucker in town. Awesome.

"So when 73-year-old Daniel M’Burungu of Kenya went to out to check on the potatoes and beans in his garden and got jumped by a leopard, the Bad Mother Fucker wallet in his back pocket (otherwise known as “God” by Mr. M’Burungu), called him to action:

“A voice, which must have come from God, whispered to me to drop the panga (machete) and thrust my hand in its wide-open mouth. I obeyed,” M’Mburugu said.

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